Silver Fox

This will be a difficult blog for me to write. In it, I must admit to my failures and again face the most challenging 13 years of my life. But it must be written and I feel that now is the time.

I first heard his voice the day I started with the feather company. Deep and sensual is the only way to describe it. He told me that he had just opened a shop in Kingman, so it would be necessary to do a name-change for his business. He also told me that he needed a large supply of feathers. Since this was my first day, I asked that he work with me because I didn't know the names of the feathers yet. He chuckled and said yes, he would be kind.

Over the next three years, our friendship grew (and I sold him a lot of feathers!). I saw him through many problems in his life, including a divorce from his then wife. He wondered if I would give him my telephone number at home, so that we could have more personal conversations. During one of these conversations, he asked me to marry him. I explained that we had never met, but he told me that wasn't important. So we settled on photos. He seemed nice enough, and I was lonely, so I agreed to marry him. I gave my boss one month's notice, and off we were to Kingman, Arizona.

Our first six months together were good, but things started changing and I didn't like what was happening. I noticed how, with me sitting there, he would tell customers that this marriage wasn't based on the beauty of the woman, but on brains. While I never considered myself 'beautiful' by any means, hearing him say something like that hurt. Then, although he knew that I was quite capable of shipping feathers, he would call his ex-girlfriend to find out how to do things. I found out shortly afterwards that she didn't know she was an ex-girlfriend. While sitting across from him at our work table, I heard him telling someone about my abilities at doing 'wifely duties'. To me, what happens in the bedroom stays there. I truly couldn't believe all the things I was hearing him say, and couldn't help wonder why he was saying them.

In short order, I learned that I was not permitted to: 1) drink coffee (it had killed his first wife); 2) go out alone or with my children; 3) purchase anything without his permission; 4) talk with friends on the telephone; 5) take a shower more than once a week (it would cause septic tank problems); 6) eat more than 600 calories per day (bye-bye thyroid gland); 7) talk with customers; 8) laugh; 9) discuss any of this with our doctor; 10) see our doctor unless I felt I was a death's door. The list goes on and on, but you get the point. He was controlling me, and I finally rebelled. It took me years, but meeting the people from Chloride was my first stepping stone.

I also learned, over the years, that 99.9% of the things he told me about himself were lies. He lived in an imaginary world, and wanted me to believe him. He considered himself a half-breed, but 1/32nd was more like it; he told me that he toured for the Encyclopedia Britannica in the 'great chieftains' tour; he told me that he grew up in California (on the Apache reservation in Sells, AZ was more like it. Stupid lies, but lies nonetheless. Stories about me were fast spreading through the town, and each could be traced back to him. I often placed the blame for his actions on the various ailments he was enduring, wanting to give some reason to his thoughts and actions. Sadly, I could only determine that he truly hated me, and his life with me.

In January, 2006, he was briefly hospitalized for a panic attack. A week or so later, I received a call from the Kingman office of the Adult Protection Service. Apparently, he had contacted them and told them that I was abusing, neglecting, and exploiting him. When I went to their office, the case worker told me that she knew that he was lying. and that they would be closing his case and opening one for me. However, the damage had already been done. I was making plans to finally leave him. He, on the other hand, was making plans to leave me. I found this out through a friend, not from him. When I finally confronted him with my knowledge, he just walked away.

On his final day in Kingman, we were awaiting the arrival of his daughters. He told me to go open the shop, I told him I would be waiting for the women to arrive. I wanted them to meet the woman he would be telling them lies about. He told me that if they saw my truck at the house, they wouldn't come in. He was still lying to me, but I knew that he was, and he knew that I knew. The daughters arrived while I was sitting in my truck. I didn't want to be in the house with him. There were hugs all around, and his younger daughter asked why I was sitting outside. I told her that he had said that the daughters didn't want me in the house when they arrived. Eyes rolled, and they knew what they would be up against. We finally all went inside, and just before I left, I told him that I hoped he would find peace in his new life. He answered that he knew he would. He still didn't understand.

I write these things to show how inner peace can protect you from the evils in your life. I found that inner peace several years ago, and it is my most precious possession. I could not have retained my sanity without knowing that peace. And I thank Ron, Terry, Betty and Bear for heading me in the right direction. Saludos, my friends.